Guest Column

The Transporter:  So Atrocrious, It's Actually Quite Good

Armstong first slams American Idol, now she hits the silver screen

By Katie Armstrong

DETROIT, MICHIGAN OCTOBER 23, 2002
Imagine it: the ex-special ops trying to leave his past behind- against his
better judgment drawn into another mission by a beautiful, but mysterious
woman. Original plot lines like this are so rare. But alas, this movie is a
vehicle never meant to be driven by plot.

The majority of Transporter is dizzying fight scenes played out against
throbbing eurotrash techno.  Jason Statham, aka the Transporter, has a
powerful shirtless presence. The major distraction throughout the movie,
besides the clunky dialogue, is the seemingly constant stream of ‘borrowed’
ideas. Elements right out of Cool Hand Luke, Fight Club, Cape Fear, West
Side Story and multiple James Bond movies are shamelessly cobbled together.
(Some of the underwater scenes might be actual James Bond footage.)

It’s the lulls between fights that are truly torturous. Allow me to provide
a sample of the dialogue, the scene: the transporter has just caught his
woman in a lie, he asks if everything she has told him is a lie. She replies
in a thick Chinese accent, “No. It was not all lies. What happened in the
bedroom earlier…that was not a lie.”  Thankfully, talking is kept to a
minimum.

The villains are evil international smugglers with an endless supply of
goons. Goons regularly paraded out to be single handedly dispatched by the
bone-crushing Statham. They attack with guns, rocket launchers, burning oil,
car bombs, axes, knives, and lead pipes- none a match for our hero. At one
point he is able to chase down a crop duster on foot, hijack it, then
skydive and land atop the evil doer’s truck and single handedly take over
the convoy!
  
Really, this movie is an absolute piece of trash. But I loved it. If you
enjoy laughing at movies you just might love the Transporter too.  I give it
two trees up.

Talk to you soon!