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The theory of boredom has long been discussed among top theologians
while watching things take forever to boil on their gas-free,
flameproof, heatless, useless, worthless vague brand hot plates.
Says
Carl Knudsen, of Y.A.W.N (Young Americans With Nothing) “Some people
say less is more, but I’m pretty sure complete monotony is more.
Anybody want to watch the Larry Sanders show?” Finding nobody
around,
Knudsen killed time by committing to memory “The Mediocre Power of
Bland” by somebody probably uninteresting.
The theory that boring might be more than the once thought of
‘actual’
boring has prompted semi-serious discussions involving so few
inflammatory remarks that all that was heard in one freshly painted Y.A.W.N. discussion room was a clicking noise coming from a hot
plate
plugged into a electricity free solar windmill that employs willowy
feathers instead of the more dangerous, and highly productive, metal
blades.
“It was so, so” said Lidia Tome, describing one of the more fiery
meetings of Y.A.W.N. Tome, from Pewamo but not Westphalia Michigan,
said, “The discussion group sort of got into it for a while, but, it
was like, a couple people had to leave to watch Antiques Road Show,
and
it just sort of went no where after that. Which was good. I guess.”
She
went on to criticize Knudsen for being so incredibly boring that
even
she had to admit that a slight amount of tragedy wouldn’t be all
that
bad for him. “I’m not saying he should get hit by thunder or an
errant
brick or contract fandango or anything, but maybe something like
spilling fat-free unflavored yogurt on his shirt. Man, that would
really be nuts!” Tome also said that a cat, or other small
indigenous
animal jumping on him from a medium sized sapling would be equally
tragic. She also left the Y.A.W.N. meeting early in order to finish
rolling a beige colored ball of twine while downing a sixer of
water.
“There is something extremely exciting about being absolutely and
totally bored out of your skull...that nothing...not even an
afternoon
at the shoe pavilion could beat” said Knudsen, using a plastic spork
to cut a piece of plain chicken tender. “Gone are the days of ranch
dressing and crazy colors like orange”, said Knudsen, “I mean, it’s
not really a color, it’s a fruit! Duh!”
In the words of Tome, “A stable life
filled with complete repetitive and unrelenting systematic
probability is the only way to truly achieve excitement in or around
the work place or other."
Jacked up on sugar free rice milk, Knudsen remarked, “If boredom is
the
new excitement, look out CBS! Bazing! Your ratings are about to go
through the stratosphere...I mean roof.” he said, calming himself
down
by counting backwards from one million to zero.
“It could be just the thing this country needs,” said a Los Angeles
corner store clerk while watching Judge Insert Latest Name Here, “no
more stick ‘em up and gimme a bottle of rumplemintz. I tell you,
that
would be something to really make the days last as long as the
nonperishable meat product in freezer three. Yes. More boredom, less
people actually wanting to do anything whatsoever. No flies on
Rosie.
Dude!”
So the next time you hear a Sousa march, floss your teeth for thirty
five minutes or stare vacantly at those little black dots in ceiling
panels, remember that excitement has already arrived, destination,
you.
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