Tinsel on the tree, bubulki on my plate, navy bean soup, last minute shopping at the food court. Speaking of food, great food this year. Ladles of cream of mushroom soup to the best apple cake in recent history, I put on a solid ten pounds of security fat to ward off the bitter sub-zero Michigan chill as I nestled up to my brother Brian's new flat panel HD television screen. The stuff that dreams are made of. And that's when I realized that, while the holidays are about spending quality time in the company of family and friends, celebrating the coming of the Lord and enjoying the bounty of heaping plates of turkey and ham and slaw and pudding and jam, there was something else that put icing on my proverbial holiday cake.

BOND. James Bond. SEVEN DAYS OF DOUBLE OH SEVEN on the SPIKE network.

Bond-O-Rama.

And, while the spirit of giving and loving thy neighbor was ever present in my heart, shooting bad guys and thwarting the takeover of earth and sharks with lasers on their heads was all I could think about as my eyes gelled into aspic watching one Bond movie after another. Back to back. At a certain point, you've seen one you've seen 'em all. And that's generally what I thought about Bond movies. However, this is not true. This is not true because of one reason and one reason only: DALTON.

Put Dalton in a moon buggy and hit the launch button. This guy is about as 'Bond' as Mickey Rooney. His two performances as 007 were in "The Living Daylights" (1987) and "License to Kill" (1989) They should  have tiled the films "Punch Dalton in the Face" and "License to Kill Dalton". I have never been so embarrassed to watch anything, including Anna Nicole Smith and Ashlee Simpson trying to sing in tune.

The main problem with Dalton is that he has no charisma and comes across as a weak, insecure sissy that isn't sure if he wants a vodka martini or a juice box.   Apparently, in keeping with the changing pace of public mores, the new Bond was going to be less of a womanizer than he had been in the past. 

That didn't, however, mean that there wouldn't be the obligatory Bond girls, just that Bond would largely keep his hands to himself this time round. Big mistake. Dalton actually spends one night sharing a room with M instead of a beautiful woman. How can this happen? One word: DALTON.   Richard Simmons would have done a better job, mesh tank top and all.   Nobody beats Connery, and Brosnan is solid as Gibraltar. Now Roger Moore, while slightly goofy, still has great screen appeal and he can at least ski. Hell, I'd even take George Lazenby. But this putz, this shameful pansy, this DALTON, well, he's just flat out horrific. Remember that some of his other roles were that of the Barin in "Flash Gordon", lookin' sharp in lime green tights, and of course who could forget the "Beautician and the Beast". Everyone could that's who.

I currently keep a pile of bricks next near my couch to chuck at the screen if Dalton appears.